If you decide to venture into this risky line of business, you can expect to be beaten by excited children and angry adults, to get cold water poured all over you, to have all the women stand at their doorways in their nightdresses and stare at you (and then explain to the children that this is what happens when you steal), to have to hoist said bag of maize on your head and be escorted with a crowd of angry people all through town and to the police station at the other end.

Being a maize thief… not cool.

This is how my morning started.

So, after spending just over a week with this family, being thrown into their social life (upcoming post on African weddings) and only barely scratching the surface of the intricate relationships, I am finally ready to introduce them to you.

Johns, Tears, Brenda, Akuzike

Tears Funsani is the father and self-proclaimed man of the house. He is a mechanic and driver for Save the Children USA. He is a quiet, thoughtful man who loves to cars, country/R&B/gospel music and reading. Beyond the music, we have a lot in common. (Waking up that first morning at 5am to blaring religious music was not really my ideal wake up call.) He is curious about the world and thinks deeply about issues. As such, he is open to a lot of new ideas, understands some of the challenges of being away from home and has strongly formulated opinions. Our offices are quite close, so we have taken to walking to work together, which besides just being a really nice way to start my morning, is a great chance for us to talk and to decrease the inevitable calls of “azungu!” I now look forward to our morning routine, and I get the sense that he does too.

Brenda is the mother. She is in a lot of ways the exact opposite of Tears, proving the saying that opposites attract. She is overtly caring and affectionate towards her children (whereas Tears clearly loves them dearly but struggles to show it… he said as much to me yesterday while walking to work). Brenda talks all the time (as opposed to Tears’ quiet and thought out remarks) and loves being the center of whatever social group she finds herself in. She is funny, clever and quick. Whereas Tears’s face is impassive, you can read the exact thought or emotion Brenda is having or feeling through her facial expressions and body language, which I am only barely managing to interpret. She welcomed me into her home easily and now introduces me as her sister. With her, there is no holding back. I was curious to have a conversation about sexuality and women in Malawi… by the third day, I was getting the full details of it, all initiated by her (to my surprise and shock)!

Johns is their 10 year old son. He is very pleased to have a white lady living with them and has taken to showing me around, helping with my washing, mimicking me as I do my yoga (or alternatively trying to do push-ups if he can’t figure out what I’m doing), and trying to talk only in English. He doesn’t actually know much English, but he seems determined enough and when that fails, he talks a mile a minute at me in Chichewa. I say ‘at me’ because there’s no hope of my understanding (yet) and my answer is always a very confused ‘yes.’

Akuzike is their 1½ year old daughter, the apple of her father’s eye, and a terror on two legs. But she has the biggest smile and a laugh that makes you forgive just about anything. Her Chichewa is maybe slightly better than mine; we both repeat exactly what was just said to us without understanding what we are really saying, although I suspect that she actually understands more than me. She has started calling me “Aunty Karrene” (I am now getting used to answering to that name). Today she asked me “Aunty Karrene, how are you?” which sounded more like “owww r u” followed by lots of cuteness.

Frasier is Tears’ son, 14 years old, very clever, quiet and helpful. I get the sense that he calmly goes about his day (or as calm as 14 year old boys can be), and is actually a lot more clever and helpful than he gets credit for. He reminds me a lot of Tears. Of anyone, we have had the least interaction yet.

Finally, there is Stemken. And this is where the situation got interesting. Stemken is the hired ‘house boy’; he helps with the cleaning, cooking, laundry and the little store out front. He is older (I’m guessing around 18) and an orphan. He was hired when Brenda was sick, and has been kept on since then. While he is part of the house, he is clearly not part of the family. He is given a house, food, and a monthly salary that is actually pretty high for Malawian standards, but I get the sense that there is underlying resentment coupled with a sense of obligation. Having him around is helpful, both for the things that he has been hired to do and to increase my understanding of family relationships.

An example of this is a dilemma I recently faced regarding buying a cellphone.

I had not even lived there a week when he approached me and asked me to give him money to buy a phone. I hesitated, told him I would think about it and we would talk later. I walked away troubled and confused. I wondered at my hesitation to help this person who clearly could benefit from my help when I would have gladly handed over the money to Tears or Brenda. In the end I decided that the reason I hesitated was because I thought there was more to this situation than I was seeing. The whole process felt too sneaky, like I was walking a razor thin line of household roles that I could fall off on either side. In the end, I decided to approach Tears and Brenda, be honest about the situation and his demand, tell them I didn’t know what to do, but that I appreciated his work and wanted to help. I’m glad I asked (although it was certainly not what Stemken wanted). It turns out that Stemken had bought a phone before with the salary he gets (which is more than he told me), but Tears made him take it back and open a bank account instead. Tears feels like this is a better investment into Stemken’s future. While I agree, it has clearly not addressed the underlying problems.

I’m not sure I did the right thing in the end, but I would not have been comfortable giving him the money and undermining Tears’ authority. I feel like this is my family, but also that they have welcomed me into the family and their lives openly. I owe them the same courtesy in return. Balancing these dynamics (and the many others I’m certain I am missing), making more mistakes and gaining some insight into Malawian family and culture will be an interesting journey in the coming year.

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