A friend mentioned to me that all my blog posts of late have been of an upbeat nature, so I must be doing well. I was surprised by this comment since my heart and body were feeling the pulled in too many directions, exhausted, sick and sad. Maybe I was compensating for something. Writing about personal doubt and lack of excitement is just… well… not very exciting.
I’ve taken a hiatus from focusing on anything to do with international development and Malawi in the past month. I know that. Without wanting to make excuses, there are some reasons why…
The trip to the UK was full of friends and family, parks and pubs, cobblestone streets, subway trains and fancy dinners. It was like a brief glimpse of a world I once lived in. It reminded me of things I had forgotten (deliberately or not) that I missed. I became excited about other things…renewable energies, building design, social connections. And I started thinking about the looming decision of “do I stay or do I go.”
The transition back was turbulent, as expected. Call it culture shock, call it a longing for “home” (wherever that is for me now) … either way it was tough to be back.
In a letter I wrote to a friend:
“And now, I’m sitting back at my desk in Malawi, with no power and wondering if the past 2 weeks were only a dream. I think it’s harder to come back than it was to arrive in the first place. There’s not the excitement and anticipation of before. I don’t feel shocked by what I see… it’s normal… but just not normal in a context familiar to me. It’s as though I had 2 weeks with a brief taste of everything I’ve convinced myself I don’t need or want for the past 9 months… only to realize that I DO like and enjoy yoga and coffee shops and yogurt and trains and easy communication and sidewalks and friends as much as I thought I did. And now I’m sitting here missing it again.”
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I spent this week on the back of a motorbike, following field staff around through their project areas. Lots of Chichewa, excited children at each new village, a few dozen small scale irrigation sites and community meetings made for long days, but good learning. While Malawi no longer has the blue sky and bright green growth of before, having changed shades for winter’s grey, pale gold and dust (it’s a colour here… it has to be since everything becomes dust coloured), it now has a feel of anticipation. People are planning for the next growing season, repairing crops, planting trees and grasses along irrigation canals.
Rushing past this all, I let out a big sigh. One of those sighs that lets go of your supposed troubles and anxieties and just accepts being there. Life seems simpler on the back of a motorbike… not easier, just simpler. I realized that my mind was still somewhere in the UK. I had not fully come back to Malawi, and as such I had no desire to write about it.
Now, I’m back. There are still tough decisions to make. There are still battles to be fought. There are still amazing people to meet. You can expect to hear more about all of those in the coming weeks.
