“Do I stay or do I go”

cue: “Comin’ Home” by City & Colour

At some point, everyone who has moved abroad faces the same choice: do I stay or do I go? For some, the answer is easy. Maybe there are requirements or obligations or new opportunities back home, or elsewhere. Maybe the job is ending, a new one starting, and it’s time to go. Maybe the connection to this new place is not very strong, making the choice a bit easier.

For me, it doesn’t feel so clear or easy.

I’ve been asked to stay on with EWB for another year. It’s a decision that has been occupying most of my thoughts of late.

The challenge for me is there is currently no clear winner. Staying and leaving both have the potential to be amazing. And no matter what I decide, I would live it with no regrets. I would do things and find ways to be happy. Which simply leaves me feeling pulled in many directions unable to truly articulate the tensions I’m feeling.

Do I stay in Africa with all its challenges (like being far away) or do I go back to Canada/UK to a culture I understand and a language I speak?

Do I stay and take advantage of all the learning and relationships I’ve developed (both with EWB and my partner organization) to push for larger changes in both dimensions for a second year? Certainly the potential for making changes is greater, but at what cost?

Do I go back to Canada, to a family that very much wants me home? Do I put my family first?

I’m interested in business… do I go back to work in a company or here to help start-ups get going?

I’m interested in management… do I put in my time and work up to management, or do I accept the ambiguity and put in place processes and management systems here?

Do I go develop the skills I’m told I need or select the skills I want to develop?

Do I stay as a volunteer or accept that I’m tired of being a volunteer and would like to be financially independent?

Do I go back to reliable power, fast internet, coffee shops, good food and or do I accept a slower pace of life, with groundnut sellers on the corner, negotiating for fresh produce in the market down the road and mini-buses.

Do I go back to surfing and yoga? Do I stay for hikes up mountains and motorbikes trips across the countryside?

Even as I write this, I know it’s not an either or situation. I can/do yoga here. I can hike in the Rockies in Canada. There are new innovative organizations all over the world that are willing to innovate, change, try new ideas. There are giant monoliths with the resources and political sway to push an industry forward.

I came over to learn, to pursue a passion and to find my way a bit. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve figured out what I’m good at and what I’m not. I’ve clarified some of my interests. But have I found my passion?

I love people… not Malawians or Canadians, but people who are willing to work hard and strive for success (however you define that). [I've sometimes wondered if I picked the wrong profession and should have a leather couch and cups of tea since that's what I seem to do anyways.] I love systems thinking. I love creating organizational change. I am a strategic process person.

But where’s the job description for that?! EWB presents one option. The others?… who knows! Both thoughts are exciting in their own way.

This is only a brief scattering of thoughts, put into some semblance of order, but lacking the struggle and depth of feeling I have around any of the issues. This decision for me is not a choice of personal versus professional… they are intertwined and hence my thoughts and feeling are intertwined and difficult to express. Last week I was ready to go home. Last night I was happy to stay till my contract ends in December. Today, I’m back in my holding pattern of having to make a decision. Stay tuned. I’ll get there one of these days.