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Finding Perspective and Presence in the little things

by on 30. Mar, 2012 in reflection

Part of the reason I chose to live where I do in Lusaka was that contrary to all the other neighbourhoods I’ve lived in over the past 3 years, Kabulonga is quiet.  There are long wide streets, paved and lined with grass, trees and flowers.  There is less traffic, less people calling out at you, and as it turns out, a lot of runners.

Usually, I try to drag myself out of bed in the morning and go running.  I found a great route that loops around.  I get up, put on my running shows, by music and I’m off, lost in my own thoughts.

The other day, I came back from work late, but with too much on my mind and too much restless energy to relax at home.  I walked up the road to the start of my running loop as usual, but decided that maybe this time I’d try going around it the other way.  It’s amazing how much more I saw!  A change in the time of day and a changed direction and suddenly I was so much more aware of the road, the different flowers, the houses and offices I was running past.  I’d noticed those in the beginning, but now they just faded away into the scenery.  In the mornings, I’d fallen into a routine;  I was running but, I wasn’t present.

It reminded me of how often and easy it is to operate on a default or automatic setting, but also how easy it is to find new perspective and presence.

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Where in the World is Colleen?

by on 27. Sep, 2011 in reflection

Cue: Reckoner, Radiohead

When I chose this title for my blog 3 years ago, I had no idea how accurate or prophetic it would become.   At the time, I was finishing up my term at Cambridge and preparing to come to work with EWB Canada in Malawi for a year.  Now, 3 years later, I can look back and count the 8 African countries that I traveled to.  I’ve worked in 2 of them – Malawi for 1 year and Ghana for 2 years.  I started as a volunteer – naive, critical, idealistic and determined; I eventually (and sometimes reluctantly) worked to better understand the sector, the systems, the people and the concepts that govern the work of market facilitation and to build a team and strategy to change it.

It’s been quite the experience.  I arrived with a destination in mind; I ended up on a journey.

Over the past few months, I’ve been phasing out of my role and responsibilities with EWB. I believe in the work that we are doing,  the people on this team and the changes that my Ghanaian friends and colleagues are striving for.  I support them and their vision wholeheartedly.   I’m stepping away because after 3 years working with EWB in Africa, I need to take the next steps in my own journey to create the changes I want to see.  I want to take a more active role in driving that change, and at the same time I feel the need for perspective.   What will it take to make these systemic changes?  What is EWB’s role in that?  What are the benefits and flaws of working in a volunteer sending model with amazing people, ambitious dreams and limited resources?  What’s deemed impossible… and how do we get there?

When I left Ghana a month ago I was ready for a change, but leaving a place you’ve called home for 2 years and the people you know and love is never easy.  There is much about Ghana and Ghanaians that I will miss dearly.  I will miss the delicious, spicy and varied food that I loved from my very first day.  I will miss the energy that hums in the air.  I will miss the pride that Ghanaians feel for their country.  I will miss the obvious signs of progress, chaotic though they are.  I’ll miss my colleagues and friends.  I’ll miss my daily commute to and from work on my Vespa and catching the sunset at just the right time every evening to highlight the silhouettes of palm trees against the soft colourful sky as I drive home.  I’ll miss Mary, my bubbly and caring friend across the road who sold me all the essentials for cooking and calling on a regular basis.  And while it might be surprising, I’ll miss hauling water from the well, bucket showers and kids calling out “obruni.”

Mama Mary

I don’t have to miss the kids and bucket showers for long though, because although I’ll be moving on from EWB, I’m be starting a new job with a Zambian not-for-profit firm (Musika) doing value chains and systems-based market development in a few weeks.

In between leaving, moving and starting, I’ve been traveling and living with one foot in the past, one foot in the present, and my mind somewhere in the future.  I’ve been to Edmonton for a 2 day Hindu-Catholic wedding of two of my good friends.  I went back to Calgary to see my family and friends, to go hiking and to enjoy good beer on patios in the summer sun.  I went to Toronto, to see more friends, to watch my first baseball game, to enjoy more delicious food and beer, to walk past open-air opera stages at the Italian Festival happening a block from where I was staying, and to see my aunt, uncle and sister.  I went to fall in love with Canada again before coming back overseas.

In a flash from the past, I ended up where I was 3 years ago.  Living just off of College and Bathurst Streets in downtown Toronto, going to the EWB office every day, changing jobs, and moving to Southern Africa.  And while that looped situation made me wonder what the hell happened in 3 years that I would find myself there again, a lot has changed in that time.   I’ve changed.  And I think for the better.  I’m a much more patient, confident and flexible person than I was 3 years ago.  I laugh more.  I stress and worry just as much, but I also allow myself to care more about people, to take the time to say hello in the morning, to see the value in being present.

I’ve been back in Malawi for the past few weeks as part of my trip down memory lane, but also to enjoy the process of redefining how I want to live here and falling in love.

Over the next few weeks and months, I will be trying to post some of the half-formed thoughts and stories that I’ve gathered and never shared from the past few years.  I’ll be sharing new ideas, new stories, more about my work and life in Zambia as I continue on this journey.

I invite you to follow along.

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How am I really doing?

by on 04. Nov, 2009 in reflection

I like to write, and over the past year, I’ve really enjoyed writing this blog, connecting with old and new friends and sharing what I’m experiencing with you. I try to keep this blog personal, but still work or experience related. I try to avoid too much detail on how I’m feeling, rather focusing on what I’m seeing, what I’m thinking and occasionally an analysis of ridiculous development.

But sometimes, I get writers block. Often, it comes at times when I’m feeling confused or frustrated or low. At times like these, I have no desire to write. I stop taking pictures. I shut down. I’m in a funk.

Now is one of those times. I want to write all about little amazing things that I see around me in my new life in Ghana, and I can’t even start. I feel I should be taking pictures since those photos in the first week are the most raw; over time, as life here becomes normal, I’ll forget to take photos of everyday life and turn instead to the striking moments and subtle differences. (What I captured in my photography from Malawi was noticeably different from my first month to my sixth to my tenth.)

I have no desire to use this venue to complain, to demand sympathy or even to fix my funk. But neither can I gloss over what I’m feeling. It doesn’t do the experience justice. Sometimes, things are amazing; sometimes they are not. Often, those extremes are more apparent and stronger in a new culture when I’m far from home.

My challenge is this:

- I like Ghana; I like the people, the culture, the food, the music. BUT, I miss Malawi.

- I like my new work on the ACDI/VOCA ADVANCE project, BUT I am not ready to let go of my previous work with Concern Universal Malawi.

- My new colleagues are amazing and I can’t wait to get to know them more, BUT I miss my old colleagues , our friendship, our work, our fun.

- EWB has volunteers here in Ghana that have welcomed me with welcome arms, BUT my team is still in Southern Africa (details.. Don’t ask) and I am feeling the pain of not being there for strategy meetings, team retreats, fun and fireworks next to Lake Malawi.

I am torn in many places at once, feeling like no matter where I turn, I am sacrificing the most important things to me: my relationships with amazing people. It would be easy if I didn’t care so much about the people and places I meet. Of course, I wouldn’t be the person I am or able to do what I do if that was the case. I happen to like that empathetic and caring streak in myself, but it means that times like these, full of ambiguity and uncertainty (forced or otherwise) are uncomfortable and at times very painful. It is a trade-off of values, over which I may not have complete control.

So how am I really doing? Well, not great. I’ll be fine, of course. I’ll come to love Ghana and her people as much as I have fallen in love with everywhere else I’ve had the pleasure of living. It’ll take time. It’s part of the process and transition.

I considered not telling you any of this, but like I said, it’s who I am and it’s part of this experience. It’s in equal parts an amazing experience filled with highs and lows. Thank you for indulging me my lows. Future writing can now continue to share the beauty, surprises and challenges of Ghana.

~Colleen

Picture 016

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It’s that time of year again

by on 27. Oct, 2009 in reflection, uncategorized

It’s that time of year again.

I’ve lived in Malawi for almost a year (11 months and 2 weeks really), enough to see the seasons come full circle and with that the activities and specialties it brings. The land is prepared and ready for planting. Farmers are waiting for the first rains.

Mangoes are back!… Starting small and green, but every week they’re getting bigger and tastier. Peaches have returned as have Masau (a strange delicious fruit that I love but struggle to eat).

The flowers on the trees are in full bloom providing patches of bright purple, pink and orange to brighten the dull dusty land.

The weather is getting hot (although Dedza is still cold, of course) and sunscreen is a requirement for Azungus yet again.

And with the hot weather is a resurgence of mosquitoes. Soon, there will be flying ants as the rains come and scare them out of the ground.

The air is heavy from months of smoke from burning fields and requires a good rain to knock it down. The air threatens rain. It should arrive any day.

People are starting to talk about fertilizer again (although last year at this time it was all about the then-upcoming election). Politics is still a forefront for all decent newspapers.

As I move onwards, this time to Ghana, it is good to look back and reflect on life in Malawi coming full circle. It gives me some sense of calm and certainty in the midst of my own confusion. I’m reminded that some things change quickly while others will never change.

And for myself, it is that time of year again.  For the past 7 years, I’ve been moving every fall.  Time to move again.  Time to start something new, to meet new people and new challenges.  Time to eat different food, experience new cultures and fall in love with another part of the world.

Me, in Malawi, a year ago

Photo: Me in Malawi, a year ago

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Out my back window

by on 25. Oct, 2009 in reflection, travel

(From October 10th)

I spent the past few days in Nairobi.

The first day, outing that night to a fancy hotel to meet with Acumen Fund and Grassroots Business Fund. The second day, was a series of meetings, presentations, more meetings and more taxi rides spent stuck in traffic. The third day, I met a friend for coffee in a fancy little café with high speed wireless internet. I did some art and bead shopping at a craft market. I tried to find tickets to the MTV music awards being held in Nairobi that night. And then I spent more time taking reveling in the internet.

Through it all, I had an increasing and persistent nagging sensation that there was more to see, more to experience… That there was . This was lovely, easy, comfortable. At the cafe, the food was great, the environment was clean, the music was of good old American classics, of Diana Krall and the mellow tones of jazz. Conversations were vibrant but hushed. Everyone wore the latest fashion.

While this reflects a certain part of Nairobi culture, that of the modern skyrise towers and well-light highways; the shopping malls and fancy cars and cappachino drinking locals and expats alike, it does not reflect a whole other portion of the population. Of course, I enjoyed my cappachino and high speed internet, in fact I relished them. But it wasn’t enough.

So, I left the nice music and internet and coffee. I went back to my dive of a hotel, which is still very nice by many standards. I looked out my back window.  And I saw this:

IMG_3594

Two guys, sitting against a wall, their dogs lying beside them. Another was gathering random pieces of garbage to feed a fire. On the wall behind them are coils of barbed wire. On the wall infront of them are broken glass bottles turned upside down and cemented in place. Between these walls is their domain. The other side of Nairobi.

I’d almost gone out searching for this other facet of life in Nairobi, a connection and empathy with a different way of life. And all the time, it was out my back window.

Nairobi is a city of many faces and contradictions. There are glass towers and slums and old stone churches. There are the amazingly wealthy and the terribly poor. There are Bentleys and broken down buses and brightly painted Matolas. There are many people on the streets, but mostly men in groups of 2-3, whereas women walking is far more rare. It is a culture with vibrance, movement and progress, but is coupled with a darker undertone of danger and stagnation.

I’d already seen one side. It was time to look beyond, to go deeper. Time to see another side.

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